The Starvation Chronicles: Day Four

A Basket of Bialys

Well, that’s four down, one to go.

I’ve finished the fourth day of my five day Fasting Mimicking Diet, and I’m happy to report that today was relatively easy. Much better than yesterday, when hunger pangs and a lack of olives on the menu had me out of sorts. Today I’m in sorts. And shorts; it’s hot in my apartment.

According to the company that markets this diet, Prolon, the body adjusts to the program’s reduced caloric intake after a few days. As is evidenced by how I feel today, I suppose they know what they’re talking about – despite their sadistically depriving me of olives on day three.

Speaking of olives, today was chock full of them. I got to scarf down a whopping 10 olives today. For those who are undoubtedly wondering, the olives supplied in this diet are of the green variety. I typically favor black olives, Kalamata olives to be exact. But the greenies will do in a pinch, and in a martini. Which I can no longer drink because of my MS, as alcohol consumption makes my nervous system go kablooey. Cruel, dastardly disease. If I were to wake up magically cured tomorrow, I’d go on a bender that would put even Hemingway to shame.

After yesterday’s Starvation Chronicles diatribe about olives, I received some very interesting comments and emails. Much to my surprise, it seems that some people hate olives. I can’t even imagine. Have the olive haters ever had really good salty briny delectable fresh olives, not the horrible rubbery bland things that come out of a can? And do olive haters also hate capers, which are kind of like tiny olives supersaturated with flavor? I would think it would be impossible to hate olives and like capers, or vice versa. Please, report back, inquiring minds want to know.

Okay, now that I’m sitting here writing about olives and capers, I’m getting hungry. Suddenly visions of a toasted garlic and onion bagel with cream cheese, smoked salmon, and capers is crowding out all other thoughts from my mind. Must. Stay. Focused.

One of the things I missed most about New York when I lived in Florida was the bagels. Well, that’s not exactly true, there were a whole lot of things I found sorely lacking in Florida, including brain cells, but I won’t go into details for fear of insulting any Floridians reading these pages. But back to the bagels. They do have bagel shops in Florida, but whatever the things are that those shops sell, they’re not bagels. Good God, they put things like strawberries and cinnamon and raisins and cheddar cheese in their “bagels”! Ugh! Blasphemy!

I’ve got news for you, just because a bread product is round with a hole in the middle does not make it a bagel. If it contains any sorts of fruits, berries, cinnamon, peppers, or cheese within the dough itself it’s a Danish or some other sort of pastry. No self-respecting bagel would put up with such adornments; an honest to goodness bagel is topped strictly with the following, either individually or in combination: chopped onion, garlic, salt, sesame seeds, or poppy seeds. I usually go for an “everything” bagel, which includes all of the above. Also, pumpernickel bagels are allowed, and even preferred by some native New Yorkers.

Now, what really sends me into writhing wriggling culinary ecstasy is a good bialy (click here). For those sadly unaware that such things exist, bialys are a close cousin to the bagel and are a foodstuff I’ve never encountered outside of New York City. Whereas a bagel is boiled and then baked, a bialy is just baked. In place of the bagel’s hole there is a deep depression in the center of a bialy, a vessel filled with bits of garlic and onion, which are mixed in with the dough as well. The damned things are indescribably delicious, positively bursting with flavor, especially when toasted and adorned with just a schmear of cream cheese. There is no more perfect combination in the culinary universe. None.

When I was a kid you could get a bialy on practically every street in New York City, but these days, as the city has changed and mutated into something I sometimes barely recognize, the bialy is becoming an endangered species. My heart bleeds for those untold millions who have never savored the pleasures of the bialy, and tragically, most likely never will.

All right, now that I’ve got myself all worked up, I’d better proceed with just a quick rundown of my food intake for today. Lunch was a nutrition bar, vegetable soup, and olives. Dinner was quinoa minestrone soup, olives, and a Choco crisp nutrition bar for dessert. The Choco crisp bar is just a little thing, and for whatever reason tonight’s was much more chocolatey than the two I’ve previously eaten during this diet. Perhaps the Prolon people were trying to make up for yesterday’s lack of olives.

Unfortunately, tomorrow, the last day of the diet, also includes no olives. I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, though, so I’ll soldier on, despite the dearth of those luscious green orbs.

As for Wednesday, well, I’m supposed to transition slowly back to a regular diet, but something tells me there just might be a bialy in the offing…

Geez, when wheeled up to the computer I wondered what the hell I was going to write about. I sure can write a lot about nothing. Sorry about that…