Monday, May 22, 2017

The Starvation Chronicles: Day Three

I’ve now finished day three of my five day Fasting Mimicking Diet (FMD), during which my caloric intake has been drastically reduced. The how's and why's of the diet are explained in full in my first Starvation Chronicles post (click here).

Today turned out to be a “no olives for me” day. Suffice it to say I was heartbroken, as the heretofore steady supply of olives on the menu has been my favorite part of the diet. On the spectrum of heartbreaks I have experienced in my lifetime, I will admit that this one lands near the bottom of the heap. Still, right about now I would kill for an olive.

I found day three of the FMD to be the most difficult day yet. I was dealing with pangs of hunger most of the day, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Yes, I am a manly man. Of course, some olives would have been nice. Do the originators of this damned diet have even one iota of understanding about just how important olives can be to a person, just what a lifeline they can represent to the desperate? Apparently not. I feel for them; those sad, misguided beings.

Instead of olives, I was treated to some kale crackers, which, though not bad, are NO SUBSTITUTE FOR OLIVES! Would it have been so hard for the diabolical diet designing geniuses who concocted this plan to have included even one measly olive to help get me over this hump day? Thoughtless, heartless, olive depriving bastards. A pox on them and all their ancestors. I don't feel for them, I don't! There, I said it.

In addition to the kale crackers and lack of olives, today I consumed tomato soup (IMO, the best of the soups contained in the kit) along with the aforementioned crackers for lunch, and minestrone soup (not bad, but tastes more like a barley) and a nutritional bar for dinner. All through the day I drank a proprietary glycerol based energy drink, which, sadly, contained no olives. I also had the prescribed 2 cups of herbal tea. Again, no olives. If there is one hard fact this diet has driven home, it’s that olives should be a staple of every meal, snack, and drink. And, yes, I’m talking martinis. Very dirty martinis.

Tonight, instead of sugar plums I’m sure I will have visions of olives dancing in my head. Might I be getting a bit olive obsessed? But who among you can blame me, are not olives the very stuff of life itself? Water, air, soil, sunshine and olives, the scientifically acknowledged prerequisites for the development of life, on this world or any other. Why do you think, eons ago, the first crude single celled organisms started to divide and become ever more complex creatures? Surely, only in the hope that one day they might consume an olive.

Checking tomorrow’s menu, I’m over the moon to discover it includes two servings of olives. I tremble in anticipation…

11 comments:

  1. Hi Marc, today started as a very 'LOW' day for me. Your very amusing post extracted a huge giggle out of my system. You wonderful man... you should market yourself as a major antidepressant!!! Thank you!!!

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  2. Sandra SchneiderMay 22, 2017 at 8:15 AM

    Marc, I used to think there were two types of people in this world; those who liked cilantro and those who didn't. Alas, I think the stuff tastes like soap. You have corrected me. The real divide is between those who can appreciate olives (the stuff of life) and those people whose can't. Either way, I wish you luck in this experiment. There is no downside (well, except the lack of olives) and a possibility of reward. My kind of medicine.

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  3. While you chide the designers of the diet, from your writing on this, it appears that they have cleverly taken your mind off hunger and focused with laser-like precision on the absence of olives, but with the promise of some tomorrow. Seems quite a design feature to me.

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  4. Ha ha ha ha - brilliant essay! The whole olive thing - love it! And you sound (write) more energetic, less depressed (except about the olives)! :)

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  5. Marc,
    You can see the end in sight..and I hope there is a martini there! You have made me lust after olives!

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  7. My grandfather said he found the fountain of youth in olive oil. Seriously. He would take shots of olive oil daily; incidentally he would also fast. Perhaps this diet works, he ultimately did reach a centenarian. 

    Great writing about olives.

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  8. Alas poor olive, I knew him, Horatio.

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  9. A day without olives? Maybe after this post the diet company will offer you the proverbial olive branch. Or maybe they won't (you might eat it).

    Thanks for this great update!

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  10. Marc, today was a long one at work. I though

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  11. Sorry, hit the wrong key. I thought it would never end. I'm tired. Your post made me laugh!!! Thank you! I needed it. 😁😁

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